Hagrid Fashion Superstar
by Toenails Haunt My Bedsheets
Summary: Our Outsized and Hirsute friend Hagrid has decided to fullfill his second greatest ambition... To make it in the fashion industry! Please review, as we have homicidal tendancies. Wiggle wiggle.
1. Dreams, Realities, and Elves’ shoes

Dreams, Realities, and Elves' shoes

Once, twice and thrice upon a time there lived a small forest upon the edge of a hut. In this hut lived an ordinary man. But, in a contradictory fashion, he was not ACTUALLY an ordinary man. In fact only half of him was a man. The other half was… dun dun duuuuuhhhhhh… GIANT!

-Audience gasps-

This half man, half giant was known as… Splunderchops! But this was only to his mother. The rest of the world called hiiiiim… 'Hagrid, Keeper of the keys.' His job was to… err… keep the keys, at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. He was somewhat of a hero there, and a pin-up guy for some of the Witches that attended the school. This was proved by the fact that on Valentine's Day, he received 15 cards, and almost all of them weren't from him! (Or his gay admirer- Gimli.)

One day, at breakfast in the castle, Harry, Ron and Hermione were breakfasting. They were talking merrily about elf shoes, and whether they were sexier with or without fluff on the toes (Harry thought with fluff, Ron thought without, and Hermione was being very diplomatic saying that perhaps fluff on only one toe was best.) Suddenly Hedwig floated graciously down to their table, furthermore extending a leg, presented her master the note from their outsized and hirsute friend (see paragraph above).

'Hey look,' cried Ron, 'Your owl, Hedwig, has just presented you a note from our outsized and hirsute friend'

'Undeniably,' Hermione agreed, 'bravo curriculum'

Harry blinked twice to keep the pixies out of the letter, before removing the letter from Hedwig's extended leg and reading it……

'To my three little minions, I have totally spiffing news, ahem, ahem. As you will not know, as I have never told you and the only other person who knows lives by the East Pole, and is unreachable by little, pixie feeted minions, so now, I will tell you. It has been my ambition for more years than it hasn't been my ambition to join the circus. However, despite sending many applications to all of the 13.5 great circuses of the known, I have had no job offers and therefore I must turn to plan B. Plan B, as you also will not know, is to become a model, and this is were I would like to involve you in my plan. My plan, my great plan, is to travel to Pareeeeeee (which is how the Frenchish say Paris), the town of fashion, food and French people, and I would like you to come with me for support…' ('Oh dear,' said Ron, 'I hope he's not talking literally.') '…..Please meet me in my hut at wizarding hour and we shall depart.

Your outsized and hirsute friend,

Hagrid

'Hey look,' said Ron, 'our outsized and hirsute friend, Hagrid, would have like to have been in the circus, but, because he cant be in the circus, he's going to be a model, and because he's going to be a model, he needs to go to Paris, and because he's going to Paris and we are his little minions, we can go too. And, do you know what that means, huh? Huh? It means we're going to Paris!'


	2. Gentle Plops in the Darkness

Gentle Plops in the Darkness

It was almost wizarding hour. Darkness had fallen with a gentle 'plop', and was now wrapping the hut, the woods and the castle in its deep, velvety blanket. All was still and silent. The corridors of the castle, usually so alive with noise, movement, shouting, screaming, swearing, were now eerily still and silent. The owlery, usually brimming with owl calls, wing flappings, and the gentle splats of owl poos descending from the ledges, was now deathly still and silent. Even the scary noises in the woods had been turned off for the night.

But, wait, not was all still nor silent.

For, in the Gryffindor common room three small figures-a boy, with green cats eyes, and tousled black hair, a girl, with a serious, slightly worried face and huge hair, and another boy, with carrot red hair, and a more than his fair share of freckles-were preparing to depart.

'I say,' said Ron, ' Look out of the window. It looks just like darkness has fallen with a gentle 'plop' and is now covering is in its deep, velvety blanket.'

'Indeed,' agreed Hermione, rushing over to the window, 'Bravo, curriculum.'

'Quite right,' said Harry, 'But do come along now, our outsized and hirsute friend will be waiting.'

So, making one last check they'd packed all their necessaries (for Hermione, a French Frase book, for Harry, his wand, and for Ron, his elf shoes), the three minions of Rubeus Hagrid, keeper of the keys, climbed out of Gryffindor common room, and made their way down to the hut.

When they reached the hut, Harry, Ron and Hermione were met by the sight of a gargantuan man, with wild gingery-brown hair, moustache, beard and eyebrows, clad in a torn faded brown overcoat clasping what can only be described as an hellish big grey dog, to his barrel of a chest.

"Bye-bye Fangy," sobbed Hagrid, "Don't forget I love you, will you? 'ere," he continued, reaching a hand into one of the many pockets of his coat and drawing out a torn picture of himself, smiling and waving frantically, which he presented to the bemused looking hound "Got this for you, so…..so you remember me. Ok? An', an', I fink of you, every day, I will, so don't forget me. Oh, I love ya so much Fang, you're, you're like the son I almost had……."

At this six eyebrows shot into the air, but were immediately fined and sent back for speeding.

"Ok, Hagrid," interrupted thoroughly bemused looking Hermione, "Come on, we're not leaving for ever you know, you'll be back before you know it."

"Yea," agreed Ron, "Don't worry. Anyway," he continued, looking around excitedly, "Are we ready? Can we go now? Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssse."

"Alright," said Hagrid, "You're right, we're going to go to Pareeee and we are going to have fun."

He stepped back to face Harry, Ron and Hermione, who were gazing expectantly up at him (well they weren't actually gazing particularly expectantly, but it's a long way to gaze, and your eyes get kind of tired, so you tend to end up with that kind of amazed/bemused/bored look, which can also be described as gazing expectantly), and pushed his thick matted hair out of his shinny, tear stained face, "Do I look Ok?"


	3. Metaphorical Understanding

Metaphorical Understanding

Harry, Ron and Hermione, or Hermione, Ron and Harry (It depends on which side you are reading this from), were following their outsized and hirsute friend across the darkened grounds. Small bats flew swiftly about their heads, giggling manically in their traditional high-frequency manner.

"Erm, Hagrid, I hate to be pernickety, but how exactly are we supposed to get to Paris?" asked Hermione warily.

"Thestrals! They 'av a great sense of direction, an' there fast, very fast."

"But there's one problem with that, Hagrid," pointed out Hermione, "We can't actually _see_ them."

They appeared to have found a flaw in the flawless plan, therefore making it an _un-_flawless plan, contrary to future assumptions. This, small children, goes to show assumption is an evil, evil thing. Assuming things can only lead to bad occurrences, such as your left pancreas failing to pancreate, therefore leaving you to die of pancreas failure. Anyway, back to the current dilemma –

"Yes," said Ron, "Back to the current dilemma." He scowled at the authors.

-The audience and the authors scowl back-

They all sat on various conveniently placed logs and pondered said dilemma.

"EUREKA!" exclaimed Harry.

Hagrid, Ron and Hermione's hats fly off their head and into the sky in shock at Harry outburst. Then their back-up hats flew off in shock, because they didn't realise they were wear wearing hats. Then their back-up back-up hats flew off in shock because they didn't realise they had back-up hats. This continued for a while until they finally ran out of hats. Then Hagrid asked-

"Eureka what? What does Eureka actually mean?"

"It means I've had an astonishingly spiffing idea! _You _may not be able to see Thestrals, but _I _can! I'll attract them here with this conveniently placed raw meat!" Sure enough, there was some conveniently placed raw meat just one, diminutive metre away from Harry.

"Look!" announced Ron, "There's some conveniently placed raw meat just one, diminutive metre away from Harry!"

"I see!" said Hagrid happily "Thestrals _love_ raw meat!"

"You see?" Said Harry confusedly, "I thought you couldn't see them? That was why much pondering and hat-flying transpired."

"No, I see the idea." explained Hagrid.

"Where?" Ron said looked around, alarmed.

"No I _metaphorically _see." explained Hagrid again.

"Oooh, we get it now." chorused Harry, Ron and Hermione, pretending that they got it now.

Harry looked up and saw four thestrals trotting towards the conveniently placed raw meat.

"There are some thestrals!" He led them over to the uncanny beasts and gave each of them a boost up on to a thestral's back. He then went and climbed onto a thestral of his own.

"To Pareeeeeee!" called Hagrid from atop the thestral whose legs were buckling. The four winged horses swooped off into the shadowy night's sky. The leathery black hide of the peculiar beasts they rode on were perfectly camouflaged against the darkness. The only sound that could be heard from them was the faint singing of 'One thousand bottles of butter-beer on the wall, one thousand bottles of butter-beer, take one down and pass it around, nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of butter-beer in the wall…'


	4. The Ghost of Penguin Past

The Ghost of Penguin Past

It was night. Mrs McMuggins had finished her tea and was just going outside to hang her washing up to dry (for, it is a well known fact amongst McMugginses that washing dries better at night.) She dragged her washing basket, complete with washing over to the washing line and started to hand up a particularly inconveniently large pillow case. Muttering to herself about the inconvenience of such large pillow cases, she glanced up at the sky. Suddenly the muttering stopped. She stood and stared at sky for a moment. Then she shook her head, finished hanging up her washing and went inside. That night, she casually mentioned to her husband that while she had been hanging up the washing she thought she had seen three teenagers, and a giant flying, apparently on somethings' backs, that she couldn't tell what, through the sky. He thought she had finally cracked and the next day sent her to the local mental hospital.

But Mrs McMuggins had

DUN DUN DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

been right. There had been three teenagers and a giant flying through the sky that night.

-Scene switches to three students and an alarmingly large chap riding on anomalous airborne horse things.-

The night had turned to day before their very eyes.

"Gosh," said Ron, then running with tradition he added, "The night has turned to day before our very eyes."

"Indeed," said Hermione, then also running with tradition added "Bravo Curriculum!"

Harry, having no tradition to run with felt very left out. Aww. And simply rolled his visual viewers and let out a small cloud of carbon dioxide. Ron gripped his thestral more tightly and moaned –

"This is soooooooo scaryyyyy!"

"Yes." Agreed Hermione, "But not as scary as a huge ghost of penguin past would be if it suddenly flew out of the sky and sat on that cloud over there."

Promptly, a huge ghost of penguin past suddenly flew out of the sky and sat on that cloud over there.

"Hail, lesser mortals." It greeted the gob smacked youngsters and the oral cavity smacked giant, "Do not endeavour to patronise me, for my intellect is superior to your collaborative entities. I AM THE GHOST OF PENGUIN PAST! You will do well not to anger me inferior beings, for I have the wrath of one thousand rhinoceroses with a bad tummy ache!"

"Gosh," said Ron "The huge ghost of penguin past has just promptly suddenly flown out of the sky and landed on that cloud over there and said: Hail, lesser mortals. Do not endeavour to patronise me, for my intellect is superior to your collaborative entities. I AM THE GHOST OF PENGUIN PAST! You will do well not to anger me inferior beings, for I have the wrath of one thousand rhinoceroses with a bad tummy ache! Wooooow." Then he stopped , gasping for breath and his left ear promptly, suddenly, punctually, rapidly, abruptly, -insert more appropriate adverbs here-, detached itself from his cranium and dropped to the ground, muttering about red-haired, selfish, teenage boys. Everyone else made a noise best described as 'mnyuh'. Harry, deciding that the attention had been on Ron's ear for too long, promptly, suddenly, punctually, rapidly, abruptly, -insert more appropriate adverbs here- fell off his thestral at the surprise of seeing the huge ghost of penguin past, suddenly, promptly… well you get the idea. He screamed,

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Then realising he could fly rose up until he was level with his thestral. Then realising he needed a broomstick to fly, he fell back down to where he had originally been falling. Then realising that he had just flown without a broomstick and therefore COULD fly without a broomstick flew back up and landed astride his thestral.

"Listen," announced the ghost of penguin past "And gain knowledge, to achieve your dream, minor giant, you must look at yourself and find the essence of you, and articulate this mantra….." The ghost of penguin past waved a flipper and out of nowhere, appeared a brass band complete with more than seven types of fart-like-noise-making devices, shiny uniforms and a very confused violinist.

"Gosh," Said Ron, and to everyone's utmost annoyance he continued, "A brass band complete with more than seven types of fart-like-noise-making devices, shiny uniforms and a very confused violinist has just appeared out of nowhere."

"Indeed," added Harry realising that if he butted in now he could steal Hermione's tradition and therefore gain a tradition all of his very own. "Bravo curiculim!"

Hermione merely shrugged and turned away. Meanwhile, the ghost of penguin past had begun to smoke and sizzle. He then exploded into several diminutive teal elephants who cantered into the sunrise. Harry sealed Ron's mouth with a nifty spell before he could repeat what had happened. Hermione looked somewhat triumphant.

( We owe this rather natty little ditty to a friend of mine. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Well… you may not since the… ahem… _accident._

Being less mentally able than Hermione, Harry struggles to spell 'curriculum'.)

A/N: Thank you to all reviewers. Keep 'em coming! Oooh we're famous. And thank you to the reviewer who said we were like Douglas Adams. And we are NOT saying this because we are his writing monkeys. NO MASTER ADAMS! NOT THE VAT OF OIL! I'LL BE A GOOD WRITING MONKEY!


	5. Amusement in the Midst of Prose

Amusement in the Midst of Prose

Hermione disengaged moreover congested the oglers twofold and within en transmit pro downy the evolution of monocle crate the anomalous anthology of unproblematic scheduled the ear recitalists not via the elevation of this juncture double and subsequently departed previously deliberate pro a jiffy instant and shall during perpetuity hereafter.

"Ode in situate happy the shutters propinquity to a elevated dreary conventional individual." alleged Harry, exposed of the cerulean mortal prevail in excess of through a impulsive urge to disintegrate at home to ode, "Thine visual viewers are as immature as a spanking new-fangled marinated toad, thine tresses is as hoary as a gre-ey panel. I inclination thou be quarry, thou art basically celestial, the sheep who is two times of a meagre stockpile." Harry malformed in a mound winning his atypical thestral.

Hermione's nostrils burst to the indicate of illusion, and Ron gave a standing ovation and whooped rumbustiously. In merriment of Harry's phenomenal ode, three tall grey sheep emerged exposed of the firmament and commenced to approach to gusts in excess of whom the limerick was referring to. At that jiffy Ron clinched his oesophagus beneath the apprehension that he had been ungagged. Hermione glowered at this actuality and at that instant in a galaxy far, far away, the teletubbies came out to play. Harry and Hermione, realising that Ron was about to enumerate the intact episode, exhaled noisily and primed for the pits. Their red-headed comrade intook of inhalation at the paramount contemptible judgments that he be on proverbial provisos with were on the trot from last part to conclusion his acquaintances' psyche and understood:

"PRO THE BE KEEN ON OF MERLIN'S FACIAL HAIR! I FALSE PIETY OBTAIN THIS TO ANY FURTHER EXTENT!" and commenced to blub, "I don't covet to reiterate kit no more no more. I just want everbody to lurve me. So I won't recur equipment. As a superior transaction. Fighting fit if you aphorism everything the foremost occasion 'round I wouldn't encompass to would I? Huh?huh?huh?"

At this summit assorted angels materialized upon the feathery nice-looking vapours and began to resonate the hallelujah chorus. HAAAALLELUJAH. HAAAAALELUJAH. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Halleheeeylujah.

Harry and Hermione at a snail's lick scuttled in leisurely gesture (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) to Ron who be on his thestral in the pink fluffy prettify nice cute gorgeous pleasant hospitable valiant metaphorical rickety bullet proof fishy muftis clods. They smothered him in a huge huggle of relievedness, joy and all-round good feelings, before staring confusedly at the pink fluffy prettify nice cute gorgeous pleasant hospitable valiant metaphorical rickety bullet proof fishy muftis clods that they were sitting on

"Huh." Said Harry.

Rapidly, Hermione, life form the knowledgeable, perceiving lone of them, realises that pink fluffy prettify nice cute gorgeous pleasant hospitable valiant metaphorical rickety bullet proof fishy muftis clods were during genuineness ended of tone (bet ya didn't know that), and they embarked upon to plummet. Through the sky. Through many something-a-spheres. Through a space-time continuum wormhole loophole tingamigig. Through a crappy foreign polystyrene roof. Into a crappy foreign bedroom. Or should we say a crappy foreign chambre…

(A/N: If anyone can understand what this is supposed to mean good for you. We don't. Lets just say one can have hours of fun with synonyms.)


	6. Of Ontwhistles and Expeditions

Of Ontwhistles and Expeditions

They woke up in the morning, at half past ten at night, half an hour before they went to bed. To their greatest horrification, they came to their realisations that they had been in slumbercations for most of the half an hour they hadn't been. Ifferation. They were, they were soon to discover, in a hotel room in the little known village called Pareeeeeee (but only by the locals) the rest of the twisted land, preferred to call it Paris, as it had a more pleasing to the eye sound to it. However the observant ones among you will be of the noticement that they, having not known where they were, still haven't a clue where they are. Very clever. Now back to the plottish line. Not knowing where they were, there natural reaction was to say…

"Where are we!"

Now, to answer there most questionful question, were some retarded dwarves, of French origin who popped out of the conveniently placed dwarf containers. They all bobbed up and down in an elegantly tuneful (yet disgustingly cheerful) way. They sung the following tooon:

_We are the dwarves, _

_From Dwarfkinland,_

_We welcome yoooou,_

_From Engerlaaand,_

_I bet you wooonder,_

_Why you're here,_

_The reason whyyyyy,_

_Will soon be cleeeaar,_

_We are the dwarves_

_(Bass line: Dwarf Dwarf)_

_From Dwarfkinland,_

_We welcome yoooou _

_To Frenchishlaaaand! _

_YAH!_

Then they disappeared in a puff of smoke. Harry was confuzzled. As was Ron, and his feeling of confuzzliment was added to by a feeling of inability to express his innermost emotions, as he was still magically gagged from Hermione's spell. Therefore all he was able to do was jump up and down anxiously, with his hands pointing at his throat making proverbial ontwhistles. Harry glanced anxiously at his amicable chum through his visual viewers, and then at his amicable chumette, who merely shrugged and viciously commented 'Leave him, he deserves it.'

Harry looked around in an alarming fashion and enquired panic-stricken-

"WHERE'S HAGRIDDD!"

Hermione whipped her head around twice in an overly dramatic way. Whip! Whip!

"Holy Cricket! So he isn't! Here I mean."

"WHAT CAN WE DO," queried Harry, temporarily forgetting that he was speaking in capital letters, "Sorry, I mean, what can we do? How can we find him?"

" I don't……." said Hermione

But she was most impertinently interrupted by Ron (aka Ronaldo Weeesssszzzzzlah) who had just realised that, being a wizard, he could use his powers to un-gag himself and be free tooooo speak (he had taken so long because he had been planningggggg toooooo ask Hermione how to use his magic powers to un-bind himself, buut had only just realised that a) he couldn't ask Hermione how to un-gag himself because he was gagged and therefore couldn't speak, and b) he already knew how to un-gag himself as they had learnt to perform an elleaarmentarie un-gagging spell in their first un-gaggging lessoooon.).

-Audience scowls at author for using too many repeated letters-

So, having realised all this, Ron had quickly and easily ungagged himself and was now ready to interrupt Hermione with the fateful words,

"Oh no, all this just happened:

We woke up in the morning, at half past ten at night, half an hour before we went to bed. To our greatest horrification, we came to our realisations that we have been in slumbercations for most of the half an hour we haven't been. Ifferation. We are, we haven't yet discovered, in a hotel room in the little known village called Pareeeeeee (but only by the locals) the rest of the twisted land, prefer to call it Paris, as it has a more pleasing to the eye sound to it. However the observant ones among them-" (At this moment Ron pointed into the audience and everyone was like 'AAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhHH') "Will be of the noticement that we, having not known where we are, still haven't a clue where we are. Very clever. However" (Upon saying this most sharp witfulness, Ron promptly leapt in the air animatedly, boogying, blaring and uproaring; I am a poooooet, I am a pooooet, I'm a poet and I didn't even realise it yeh' (there were jazz hands all round))  Not knowing where we were, our natural reaction was to say…

"Where are we!"

Now, to answer our most questionful question, were some retarded dwarves, of French origin who popped out of the conveniently placed dwarf containers. They all bobbed up and down in an elegantly tuneful (yet disgustingly cheerful) way. They sung the following tooon:

_We are the dwarves, _

_From Dwarfkinland,_

_We welcome yoooou,_

_From Engerlaaand,_

_I bet you wooonder,_

_Why you're here,_

_The reason whyyyyy,_

_Will soon be cleeeaar,_

_We are the dwarves_

_(Bass line: Dwarf Dwarf)_

_From Dwarfkinland,_

_We welcome yoooou _

_To Frenchishlaaaand! _

_YAH!_

Then they disappeared in a puff of smoke. Harry was confuzzled. As was I, and my feeling of confuzzliment was added to by a feeling of inability to express my innermost emotions, as I was still magically gagged from Hermione's spell. Therefore all I was able to do was jump up and down anxiously, with my hands pointing at my throat making proverbial ontwhistles. Harry glanced anxiously at his amicable chum through his visual viewers, and then at his amicable chumette, who merely shrugged and viciously commented 'Leave him, he deserves it.'

Harry looked around in an alarming fashion and enquired panic-stricken-

"WHERE'S HAGRIDDD!"

Hermione whipped her head around twice in an overly dramatic way. Whip! Whip!

"Holy Cricket! So he isn't! Here I mean."

"WHAT CAN WE DO," queried Harry, temporarily forgetting that he was speaking in capital letters, "Sorry, I mean, what can we do? How can we find him?"

" I don't……." said Hermione

But she was most impertinently interrupted by me saying what I've just said, and now, the most important bit is…………… LETS GO ON AN EXPIDITION TO FIND HIM."

So, pausing only to stop and wrap their possessions in conveniently placed red handkerchiefs with white spots on them, which they tied to conveniently placed wooden poles, which they slung haphazardly over their shoulder, they set of on an expedition to find Him (you know where you are).

They strode up and down the room for a couple of spiffing minutes before Hermione, being the clever, geniotic, and all round best one of the lot, spotted a small note, lying innocently in the place where, only a few minutes earlier, Ron's substructure had been placed. She immediately fell out of line (they were marching in line), and ran the stride and a half over to the note.

"Hey, look what I've found – a note. Bravo Curriculum"

She unfolded the note (it was folded), and read aloud the indecipherable scrawl (which Hermione speedily exerted not at domicile to be paid en transmit pro her exceedingly premium widespread sagacity clout) which lay within

"Hee Hee Hee.

We are the dwarfes,

Of Dwarfkinland

We took your friend

From Frenchish land

We took him tooooooo

Our humble lair

And we suggest

You die your hair"

"You know what that means?" Harry said, " That means we must go to Dwarfkinland and rescue our hirsute and outsized friend."

"Indeed," agreed Hermione, clamping her hand firmly over Ron's mouth to prevent him from repeating the entire episode, (meanwhile Ron looked very offended at the sneaky little dwarves comment about hair dying. His hair was magnificent thank you very much) "Bravo Curriculum!" announced Hermione.

(A/N: Note our feeble attempt at fleshing out the story eh? Heh heh heh heh. If anyone can tell us what an ontwhistle is we'd love to know. Please review! Plus the boys still have an issue with their spelling.)


	7. The Best Chapter in the World

**The Best Chapter in the world. Ever.**

This is Chapter 8. Chapter 8 is probably the most bestest chapter that ever was a chapter. Not probably. Definitely. So there. Nyerr nyerr nyerrrrr nyerr ny-nyerr ny-yuh yerr. Hit it. MY COMPUTERRRR! NOOOOOOOOOO. Ouchie.

Any computer abuse is highly illegal. The writers of this story take no responsibility for any computers harmed during the reading of this chapter, and also aren't responsible for any court cases that may follow bouts of computer-beating. In fact we aren't responsible for anything else whatsoever. We are completely responsibility-less. One might say, that we are completely irresponsible. Thank you. Please read the next chapter posted. If and when it is posted. This chapter was brought to you by the letters 'Bess' and 'Tesst', because it was the 'Besstesst' chapter that ever was.

THE END

NOOOO! NOT THE END.

NEVER THE END.

Just the end of this chapter.

I think.


End file.
